


Fall Into Me (but only if you're ready)

by eloquently_graceless (orphan_account)



Category: Marvel (Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Thor, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Strangling, Underage Sex, unintentional self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-02 19:38:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/eloquently_graceless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki was physically and sexually abused by his father until the age of sixteen. Ever since, he's been living a life of solitude, isolated from the other students at his university, until a group project in Biology causes Loki to rethink his perspective on life. Is he really destined for eternal misery, or is he just pushing away true happiness?</p><p>This story mostly follows movie/Marvel!verse. There may be some OOCness, but it's for the story's sake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter opens with an explicit scene containing rape, strangling, and physical abuse. If this upsets or triggers you in any way, please stop reading and click the back button. You have been warned.

_“No! I’ll die!” A seven year-old Loki cried out as Laufey picked him up from the living room floor and carried him up the stairs into the master bedroom. “Please! No!” Loki whimpered as he was thrown onto the bed roughly, curling up into himself._

_“You’ve been a bad boy, leaving your toys out on the carpet for Daddy to step on.” Laufey leaned down toward Loki’s face and sneered, his breath stinking of alcohol. “And you know what happens to bad boys, don’t you Loki?”_

_“No!” Loki shrieked as Laufey reached down and yanked off his shorts. “Stop! I don’t want it!”_

_“Shut up!” Laufey snarled, raising his hand and slapping Loki across the face. Loki choked back a sob and covered his eyes, curling up into a tighter ball. In front of him, Loki could hear the sound of a zipper being pulled down, and Laufey spitting into his hand, a crude lubricant for what was to come._

_“If I had known Farbauti would leave me with a bastard child, I would have never gotten into a relationship with her. Of course the bitch with run off with another man and leave me with the runt.” Loki could hear Laufey muttering, as he tried to spread Loki’s legs apart. Loki whimpered, resisting as much as he could, but a 7 year-old boy was no match for the strength of a 27 year-old man._

_“Open your legs, you little shit!” Laufey growled, grabbing a hold of Loki’s hair and pulling his head back. Loki’s lips parted in a silent scream as Laufey roughly shoved into of him, tears running down his cheeks. Loki gripped onto the blankets beneath him, biting his lip so hard he drew blood in an effort to fight against the pain._

_“Don’t be a wimp.” Laufey continued roughly thrusting in and out of Loki. “You’re a cockslut and you know it.”_

_“S-stop. N-No, please!” Loki managed to cough out, and Laufey slapped Loki in the face again before placing his hands around Loki’s thin neck._

_“Shut up! I don’t want to hear another word from you!” Laufey tightened his grip, choking off Loki’s air. Loki gasped for air, sobbing, as he clawed at Laufey’s hands. He was going to run out of air soon. He was going to die here powerless and defenseless under his father’s body. He was going faint soon, black curling around the edges of his vision and-_

 

Loki sat up abruptly, drenched in a cold sweat and gasping for air. Pushing his messy, black hair away from his face, Loki felt a dampness on his cheeks and realized he had been crying. The cool night air stung his neck, which was scratched and slightly bleeding from where Loki had been clawing at his throat in his sleep. There was a warm, damp spot beneath him from where he had wet the bed. Loki fell back onto his pillow, stifling a sob and staring up at the dark ceiling. It was just a dream, he reassured himself but he was just so angry. He was nineteen and still wetting the bed almost every night.

Laufey had been arrested when Loki was sixteen, and had been in jail for three years now. He wouldn’t touch Loki again, if Loki had anything to do with it. Yet the dream had felt so real, a vivid memory resurfaced from a dark past. Loki could still feel Laufey’s hands around his neck, the bruises on his face and hips from the aftermath, the way his body had been so painfully swollen he moved lethargically.

After lying in bed for another ten minutes to calm down, Loki sighed in defeat and turned over to glance at the time. The clock flashed ‘3:45 AM’ mockingly at him. His first class was at 7:30, so he had four hours to waste. Loki rolled out of bed and stripped it, balling up the sheets and chucking them into a dark corner of his room. He did the same with his clothes after pulling them off, and padded into the bathroom.

Flicking on a dim light, Loki stared at himself in the mirror. Gaunt, emerald eyes stared back at him, unruly black hair framing his narrow face. His already pale skin had an unhealthy pallor to it, making him seem like a walking skeleton. To an average person, it would be very disconcerting to see Loki in such a state, but by now it was a normal occurrence. Laufey may be in jail, but his influence would not be going away anytime soon.

Turning the shower on, Loki tested the water before stepping in, tilting his head back and letting the water run in rivulets down his body. The water stung the fresh scratches on his throat, but Loki was unbothered by the pain. He had experienced worse before. Casting a glance downwards, Loki took note of all his self-inflicted wounds, albeit unintentional. Scratches down the inside of his arms where he had been clawing at dream-Laufey’s hand, nail marks on his right thigh where his twelve year-old self had been trying to cope with the pain, bruises on his stomach from where he had hugged himself too tight for protection while dreaming. And now the scratch marks on his throat.

Loki sighed, finishing up his shower and towelling off. He would have to find clothing that covered all of the wounds. After contemplating his closet for a few minutes, Loki pulled out an emerald green turtleneck sweater and a pair of black skinny jeans. Once dressed, Loki walked back into the bathroom and blow-dried his hair, carefully combing out any knots until it lay against his head in a way he was satisfied with.

Another glance at the clock- it was 4:30 AM- Loki went into the living room and flopped onto the couch. His apartment was small, but it was cosy and Loki didn’t need anything else. It had one bedroom, one bathroom a living room and a kitchen area. He could probably afford more with the money he had inherited from Laufey, but honestly what would he do with it? He didn’t have hobbies, and he definitely wouldn’t be hosting any parties anytime soon.

Loki contemplated his options. He could go back to sleep, or watch crappy television until it was time to leave. He immediately crossed out the first option. He didn’t want to ruin his clothes or his couch during a night terror. Reaching across a messy coffee table, Loki grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.

When it was 7:00, Loki flicked off the TV and grabbed his stuff, only delaying to lace up his black boots, before running out the door. As the crisp autumn air touched his face, Loki exhaled slowly. Here was the beginning of another day. He just hoped it ended quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfiction, but I'm always open for critique! There also may be some OOCness because I'm new to the fandom. Because of school and other things, updates may be slow so I apologize in advance. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it!


	2. Chapter 2

Loki slid into his seat at the back of the Biology room, dropping his binders onto the desk and slumping down halfway beneath it. His first class, English, had been fine. They were studying Shakespeare and Loki understood it well enough because honestly, who didn’t? Everybody had been studying Shakespeare since they were fucking two years old!

But this class, _this class_ , drove Loki insane. Not because of the material they were going over, it was a piece of cake, but because of the _people_. As if on cue, Thor Odinson and his girlfriend, Sif (Loki didn’t care to remember her last name), walked into the room. Here they were, fucking king and queen of the universe! Everybody loved them, and anybody who wasn’t everybody hated them. Loki just happened to be the person who wasn’t everybody.

Thor was a typical college football jock- large, buff, and dense. His untrimmed golden hair hung in locks around his defined jaw, which was rough with the start of a beard. Sif on the other hand was lean and tall, with plump lips and ample breasts. Her hair was long and silky and dark, but near the roots the dye was beginning to wear off, showing Sif’s true honey blond color.

In all honesty, Loki thought Sif was pretty, beautiful even. It was her personality that was another matter. She was spiteful and aggressive toward people she did not favor. Thor was kinder, but he was too stupid for Loki’s tastes.

“All right class!” The teacher called, clapping her hands together to get their attention. “Settle down now, and get in your seats!” The chatter faded out as the students settled into their desks. “Today we are going to be studying the circulatory system as an opening to our new unit, the human heart!” Everybody groaned in unison. Loki fidgeted in his seat.

“Stop it.” The teacher reprimanded. “It is a fascinating subject! First, we’re going to split up into pairs-” Everyone moved to join their desired partner, but the teacher clucked her tongue. “Uh-uh-uh! I’m picking groups today!” She sung, and there was another unanimous groan. “Hmmm… who should be the first group today?”

As the teacher scanned the classroom, people ducked their heads. Nobody wanted to be the first one chosen. Loki, who had been spacing out, was too late to avoid eye contact. As they locked eyes, the teacher smiled.

“How about Loki and…” She looked around the room for one more person. “Thor! You two would be a great match!” Loki’s stomach dropped. He couldn’t work with Thor! It was impossible! “You two, choose a lab station and wait for directions please.” The teacher waved her hand dismissively.

Thor and Loki both stood up and began walked toward two separate lab stations. Loki frowned. If they were going to be partners, they were going to follow Loki’s rules. Which meant they were going to work at Loki’s lab station. He always used it, and he wasn’t about to change that habit. After a few seconds of intense staredown, Thor shook his head in defeat and walked over to Loki.

Once all of the other pairs were chosen, the teacher began to explain the lab. “Today we will be taking our average pulse, then run up and down a set of stairs five times and take it again. Depending on your physical fitness, your heart rate will vary. The average heartrate is anything between 60 to 100 beats per minute. Your partner will count your heart rate for 15 seconds using  the pulse point on your wrist, then multiply it by four. That will be your BPM, or beats per minute. You may begin.”

“Okay let’s get this over with.” Thor said, wrapping his fingers around Loki’s wrist a little too tightly. A jolt of panic ran through Loki’s body, the fear that clouded his head causing his throat to close up. Suddenly he was eight years old again, pinned to the ground with Laufey’s hands restricting his wrists. He felt hands moving to push the sleeves of his turtleneck away from his wrists, and the panic that Thor would see his wounds brought Loki back to the present.

“ _Get away from me!_ ” Loki hissed, yanking his arm out of Thor’s grasp. He was breathing heavily, almost sweating, from the fear that had overtaken him. “ _Don’t touch me!_ ”

“Whoa there!” Thor took a step back, raising both of his hands in surrender. “I was just doing what the teacher told us!”

Loki closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. “I’ll do it myself.” He said, opening his eyes. Loki pulled his sleeve down before taking his middle and forefingers and locating the pulse point on his neck.

Thor watched him warily, blue eyes searching Loki’s face. “It would be easier to do it on your wrist, you know.” He said lightly.

“I’ll do it my way.” Loki snapped, counting his pulse for 15 seconds before doing the math. In his spidery handwriting, Loki wrote a neat ‘80’ on a sheet of paper.

“Are you okay?” Thor asked. He had been continuing to stare at Loki the entire time.

Loki put his pencil down and took a deep breath before answering. “I’m fine.” He said curtly. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“You don’t sound fine.” Thor continued to pry. Loki was ready to wrap his hands around Thor’s throat if he said anything else that involved Loki’s emotional state.

“I said _I’m fine_ so let it go.” Loki said through gritted teeth. “Take your fucking pulse already.” He almost sighed with relief once Thor turned away from him. After a few seconds, Loki found Thor staring at him again, a nervous smile on his face.

“What is it?” Loki glared at Thor.

“Fourteen times four is 56, right?” Thor asked tentatively.

“Yeah, why?” Loki’s mind spun as he put the pieces together. “No way, your BPM is 56? Are you dead or something? Does that explain why you’re so stupid?”

“Loki, please don’t call your peers stupid!” The teacher tittered. “Thor is very athletic, so it would only be natural his BPM is low. Because he exercises his heart more, it has to work less to pump blood through his body. If you’re done with the first section, please move on to the next one!” She clapped her hands.

Loki grumbled as he and Thor moved out of the classroom. As Loki stared up at the staircase, he gulped. Sure, it wasn’t particularly long or steep, but running up and down it five times? Fuck him, Loki thought as he began to run. After the exercise, Loki was sweating and breathing heavily, his shirt suddenly becoming restricting. “One hundred and sixteen,” he told Thor, who jotted it down beside his resting heart beat. “Go.”

Thor handed the paper off to Loki, running up and down the stairs five times. When he returned, he was barely winded. “Sixty-eight.” He told Loki, walking back into the classroom. Loki pursed his lips in disdain before following after him.

“Class, please take your seats once you’re done!” The teacher instructed once everybody was done taking their heart rates. Loki couldn’t get to his seat fast enough. Even though the chatter in the room was voluminous, Loki overheard Thor and Sif talking.

“What did you get, babe?” Sif purred, leaning toward Thor in such a way he could probably see down her shirt. “I got 76 BPM for a resting heart rate, but I’m sure you got better than me.” She traced her perfect red lips with a pink tongue.

 _Slut,_ Loki thought, tuning them out and wrapping his arms around himself. He didn’t even know why Thor put up with Sif anyway. She was an insufferable bitch. And she desperately needed to redye her hair.

Loki closed his eyes, releasing a long sigh. That was why he preferred being alone. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Two chapters in one day! This is why I love vacation. I apologize for Sif's characterization right now, I promise she'll get better as the story progresses. Thank you guys for the support! It makes me want to write more for all of you great people.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki almost groaned out loud when Sif, Thor and his obnoxious friends walked into the cafe. Of course, out of all the places they could go to lunch, they’d pick the one place Loki was eating at. As Thor pulled out a chair for Sif, their eyes locked briefly before Loki looked away. If there was anything Loki hated more than the King and Queen of the Universe, it was the King and Queen of the Universe’s Douchebag Friends, or to name them individually, Stupid Asian, Queer Mustache, and Ginger Giant.

Not wanting to deal with them, Loki picked up his stuff and threw it into the trash before slipping into the bathroom. As he was washing his hands, the door creaked open behind him. Loki tensed as he saw a flash of golden hair and blue eyes. As Loki was drying off his hands, Thor came to wash his hands beside him.

“Why don’t you smile, Loki?” He asked.

Loki frowned. “Because there’s nothing to smile about.”

“Of course there is!” Thor said, his eyes flashing with an emotion Loki couldn’t quite put his finger on. “There’s tons of things to smile about. You can find happiness in the simplest of things. Like the fact that you’re alive and free and have a say in your life.”

“You don’t know that.” Loki replied quietly. “Freedom is life’s greatest lie. It is unattainable. We will always be weighed down by our past what ifs and could haves.” He turned and left.

Later that night, Loki lay in bed after another night terror, staring up at the dark ceiling and contemplating Thor’s words. He scoffed, almost smiling at Thor’s ignorance. If only it were that simple.

 

“Alright class, today we’re going to start our circulatory system project!” The Biology teacher clasped her hands together, smiling. “You are to recreate a 3D, _working_ , human circulatory system. It is due in two weeks! I wanted to see every ventricle, vein, and artery labelled! The blood must be color-coded red and blue symbolizing the oxygenated blood and the deoxygenated blood! You may use food coloring, or fake blood, I don’t care as long as you don’t murder any of your other classmates.” There was scattered laughter around the room before she continued. “Oh, and one more thing. You will be working with your partner from the heart rate lab!”

The room groaned collectively. Loki sunk into his chair a little bit more. For God’s sake, his Biology teacher had a death wish for him, didn’t she. Thor glanced over at Loki, his eyes holding the same emotion that Loki couldn’t identify from almost a month ago in the cafe, along with some curiosity.

As the students rearranged themselves into their pairs, Thor came over to sit by Loki. “So, do you have any idea of how we’re going to do this?” He asked, his voice low and warm.

“Well…” Loki thought for a moment. “We could get one of those plastic human body models, and a model of heart we can dissect. Then, using plastic tubing, we could weave it through the plastic heart and organs and fill it with red water and blue water. Using a handheld pump, we can circulate the water through the pipes. How does that sound?” As he finished, Loki found Thor staring at him appreciatively.

“Wow,” Thor admitted. “I didn’t know you had it in you to create something like that. It almost sounds professional.”

Loki almost smiled. To cover it up, he coughed and lifted his chin. “Well of course. They don’t call me Loki the Clever for nothing.”

“Do they really?” Thor tilted his head, feigning innocence. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that nickname before.”

Loki coughed again, avoiding Thor’s eye. “That’s because they don’t.” He muttered almost inaudibly.

“Well then I may just have to call you Loki Silvertongue.” Thor responded, but his voice was warm, absent of derision. That time, Loki smiled before he could catch himself. _It was better than Laufeyson,_ Loki thought.

 

“Loki!” Thor came up to him two days later. “I bought the materials we needed for the project so we can work on it this afternoon, if you want.”

Loki blinked, shocked. “You’re a lot more on top of things than I expected you would be…” He said begrudgingly. He ignored Thor’s smile. “But yes, we should work on it this afternoon. We only have a week and five days left, anyway.”

“Yours or mine?” Thor started to say, before Loki cut him off.

“Yours.” Loki said without hesitation. Thor raised an eyebrow. “I mean-! Because my apartment is dirty!” Loki spluttered. In truth, Loki feared that if he let Thor into his home he would be letting Thor get too close to him. This was only a temporary partnership, after all. Once this project was over and done with, Thor would chuck him away like trash. Loki knew he would, because that was what Loki was. Trash. Damaged cargo. Dirty, bruised, broken. Suddenly Loki’s bright mood darkened.

“Why are you even bugging me anyway?” Loki mumbled, looking downwards. “Shouldn’t you be with Sif or your dumb friends? Shouldn’t you be preparing for your next game? When do you even have time to talk to me?” He glanced up to see what effect his words had, and immediately wished he hadn’t. Thor looked like he had been stabbed in the gut.

As Thor turned and walked away, Loki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. There he went, pushing people away like always. Would he ever get a fucking break?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologize for Loki's perspective on the Warriors Three. But man, am I on fire! This is quite surprising, considering I've been in a writer's block for the longest time. This will probably be my last chapter for today, as I will be with family tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I might get Chapter 4 posted around Friday afternoon if I'm lucky. Thanks for sticking with me! I appreciate it greatly. Also I apologize for any typos or grammar mistakes. I don't really have a beta, so it's pretty much just me doing my own revisions right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter contains graphic scenes of rape, physical abuse, and implied (but unintentional) self-harm. If any of this triggers you, please turn back. You have been warned.

The silence was awkward and tense as Loki walked next to Thor. Thor had arrived at Loki's last class of the day (he didn't ask how Thor knew what it was) and Loki had gone with him without a word. Now they were at Thor's apartment in the living room, a spacious area with a scenic balcony jutting off from it. Thor was in the process of laying out the required materials on his dinner table.

"It's actually pretty funny." Thor said, breaking the silence. "I found this human body model for only twenty dollars in a retail store. You kind of have to wonder how many people buy body models every day."

"Hmm." Loki stood before the table, inspecting the materials. The silence stretched on. "You bought fake blood?" Loki asked finally, his nose wrinkling in distaste.

"Yeah, is that a problem?" Thor retorted, crossing his arms.

"It's just... It stains terribly. If anything malfunctions I won't be able to get it out of my clothes." Loki admitted. Thor smiled.

"If you want, I'll be the guinea pig. I don't mind getting a little dirty." He said brightly, as if he was glad Loki was beginning to open up a bit more.

"Well then, I suppose we should get started." Loki said.

As they worked the tension dispersed from the room, instead turning into a comfortable silence,. The quiet was only interrupted when Loki would ask Thor to double-check the heart diagram. "The blue tube runs through the superior vena cava, right atrium and right ventricle, into the pulmonary artery, correct?"

Thor leaned over the table, eyes scanning the diagram. "Correct." He responded.

"Great," Loki said, concentrating on threading the plastic tubing through the heart model. "Hand me the pliers would you? Thanks." He poured the dyed blue water into the tubing before using the pliers to squeeze the tube closed, finally duct taping a pump to the end.

"I think we're done." Loki stood up and took a step away from the model. They admired their work for a few minutes before Thor piped up.

"Shall we test it?"

As they lay old newspaper on the ground around the project, Loki eyed Thor's clean white shirt. "You sure you don't want to change first?"

Thor waved his hand dismissively. "Nah, I have a ton of white shirts in my closet. I should be fine if I just get one dirty."

"Whatever you say..." Loki took a step away from the model. Thor took both pumps and grinned. Loki almost couldn't watch.

"Ready? Three... two... _one_!" _**Woosh!**_ " _Fuck!_ God dammit!" Thor swore, drenched in water and fake blood. Apparently the tubes had not been taped well enough, spraying their contents all over the jock.

Loki covered his mouth with one hand, trying not to laugh but failing miserably. " _Ahahahaha!_ " He burst out laughing, unable to resist due to the sight in front of him. Thor sighed in defeat before joining in with Loki's laughter.

"I'm sorry." Loki said after he finally caught his breath. He held his stomach, which was aching from laughing so hard. "I just couldn't resist. You looked so dumbfounded and confused!"

Thor shrugged. "Well it was bound to happen sometime. I better go change though. Make yourself right at home while you’re waiting."

Loki watched as Thor left the living room, making sure he was well out of sight before lifting his shirt. As he inspected the stinging gouges on his stomach, Loki sighed. He hadn't gotten any better about the unintentional self-harm due to his night terrors, but at least they were in a more concealable place. Clutching his stomach had irritated the scratches, reminding Loki just how emotionally unstable he really was. Pulling his shirt down, Loki waited patiently until Thor emerged from his bedroom.

"Aye, I need a beer." Thor muttered, running a hand through his newly-washed hair. He glanced at Loki as he was making his way into the kitchen. "You want one?"

Loki shook his head, mouth curling in disdain. "No thanks, I don't drink."

Thor shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat." He pulled a beer out of the fridge and took a long sip from it. "Thank god for fake IDs." Thor said, coming over to Loki and their failed Bio project. He set the beer down on a lamp table beside a recliner. Loki twitched.

"What should we do now?" Thor asked, but Loki was too busy staring at the beer beside the recliner to answer.

"No..." Loki whispered, almost too quietly for Thor to hear.

"Loki?" Thor tilted his head, looking at the raven-haired man. "Are you alright?"

"No!" Loki said again, louder, and squeezed his eyes shut. "No, please! Stop!" He opened his eyes and found himself ten years old again, kneeling on the floor of his living room, Laufey lounging in a recliner, a beer in his hand.

 

_"Come here, Loki." Laufey said, his voice rough and low. Loki whimpered, but remained where he was._

_"I said, **COME HERE!** " Laufey roared, and Loki whined before crawling toward Laufey on his hands and knees. "Good boy." Laufey sneered, taking Loki's chin and tilting it to look at Loki's face. "You know what you did today, you little bastard. When I tell you to do the dishes, you will not ignore me!" Loki nodded frantically, as if it would ward off what would be to come._

_"You know what happens to little boys who aren't good." Laufey said, reaching down to unzip his pants. Loki whimpered again. Laufey pulled his cock out, placing the head at Loki's lips. "Suck." He demanded. Loki didn't move. "I said **SUCK!** " Laufey yelled, forcing his dick into Loki's mouth, shoving it down all the way._

_Loki choked, tears forming in his eyes. Laufey waited a moment for Loki to catch his breath before pulling out and thrusting back in harshly. Loki gagged, unable to do anything but take it because one of Laufey's hands was in his hair, pulling his head back, while the other was holding his jaw open._

_"You little bitch, how dare you disobey me." Laufey growled, removing his hand from Loki's hand to slap him. Loki choked on Laufey's cock again, tears spilling over onto his cheeks. "You'll take my load, but you can't brush your teeth, so you’ll taste your disobedience for the rest of the night."_

_Laufey continued thrusting roughly in and out of Loki's mouth as Loki gagged, close to sobbing. When Laufey came, he buried himself deep inside Loki's mouth, spilling down his throat. Laufey pulled out as Loki retched, come dribbling out of the corners of his mouth._

_"Bitch!" Laufey yelled. "Don't you dare throw up on my carpet!" He stood up, kicking Loki in the ribs. Loki cried out, curling into himself. "Don't make me punish you again!" Suddenly Loki's legs were being pried apart and he was sobbing, choking on Laufey's come as-_

 

"Loki. _Loki! **LOKI**!_ "

When Loki came to his senses he was on the floor of Thor's apartment, curled into a ball with his hands on his ears, tears streaming down his face. He was hyperventilating, choking on his sobs. Thor was kneeling beside him, his eyes filled with fear and concern.

"Loki! Loki, what's wrong? Calm down, I need you to calm down, okay? Shhh, easy. Take deep breaths." Thor said, his voice quiet and soothing. It was all Loki could do as he focused on Thor's voice, finally finding he could breath again.

"I-" Loki choked out, pushing Thor away from him. "I need to go." He stood up, grabbing his bag, and ran out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the delay, I was really busy today! I went to see Catching Fire. It was SO good! I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving if you're American. If not, I hope you had a good Thursday. Aren't you glad it's Friday though? Once the weekend is over, updates are going to become a little more sporadic, so I apologize in advance. Thanks again for reading, and I appreciate all of your support and enthusiasm for this story!


	5. Chapter 5

Loki pulled his legs closer to his chest, resting his head on his knees, and sighed. He was completely wrecked. He hadn’t been eating or sleeping since that afternoon with Thor. Loki had chickened out, not going to his classes the next day, too frightened of seeing Thor or finding out what he would do with the information of Loki’s panic attack. The day after that was a Saturday, and so far Loki had done nothing all day but lay in bed, cursing himself and his flashbacks. He was so humiliated about breaking down in front of Thor, and scared of what Monday would bring. Loki just wanted to bury himself six feet underground and never emerge again. But at the same time, he was suffocating in this tiny apartment, the walls closing down around him. He needed to get out. Anywhere, he just needed to get _out_.

Loki unwinded himself, standing up from his place on his bed. The world titled and blurred for a moment, causing Loki to stumble to the side and catch himself on his dresser. Loki squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, holding his aching head. When he opened them again, the dizziness had receded but the blurriness remained. He needed food and water badly. Loki made his way into the bathroom, dragging his heavy body toward the sink. As he leaned over the sink, Loki studied himself in the mirror.

 _I look like a wreck…_ Loki thought bitterly. His eyes were bloodshot, red and swollen, while his face was gaunt. His hair was messy and tangled, and it looked like he hadn’t showered for days. Loki looked exactly how he felt, as if he could snap at any moment. Taking a shower made him feel a little better, but just barely. He pulled on a shirt and a pair of jeans, laced up his boots and shrugged on a jacket before walking out the door. The cool air chilled Loki down to the bone, making him pull his jacket around himself tighter. He stood on his porch for a second, unsure of what to do. After a minute, Loki finally began walking in the general direction of a coffee shop by his apartment.

After ordering a large coffee (one sugar, no cream) Loki sat at a table in the corner and watched people walk by the windows. It was calming, this quiet solitude. After all the shit he was going through, Loki was grateful for the peace and quiet. Just as he was about to leave, he heard a voice from behind him.

" _Loki?_ "

Loki tensed, his senses on high alert as his mind registered the voice's owner. He turned around to face long black hair and emerald eyes. " _Mom?_ "

"Loki!" Farbauti cried out, eyes twinkling almost as brightly as her whitened teeth. “How are you?” She drawled, stretching out her a’s. “You haven’t contacted me in almost two years! I was getting worried!”

“Mom…” Loki said weakly, collapsing back onto his chair. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be back at home with Hailstrum?” Farbauti slid into the chair across from him, tapping the table with one of her finely manicured nails.

“Well, yes... but we took a little vacation to visit his cousin, Grundroth. They’re going out for a boy’s night so I decided to get a latte. I never imagined to find you here!” Farbauti broke into a smile. “You were so anxious to get to college you up and left without even telling me where you were going!” She said, eyes turning sad.

 _For a reason._ Loki thought, almost rolling his eyes.

“So how have you been? Where are you living? Is your college close by?” Farbauti asked.

“I’m fine.” Loki replied, avoiding her gaze and crossing his arms. “Yes, my college is nearby. How have you and Hailstrum been?”

“Oh, wonderful!” Farbauti clapped her hands together, the several bracelets on her wrist jangling with the movement. “We’re exactly the same as you left us. Well, there was one bad scare where we thought I might have gotten pregnant, but it just turned out my time of the month was a little late. I don’t know what I would have done if I had gotten pregnant again. It was terrible experience last time too.” She sighed, and Loki twitched, trying to look unaffected even though Farbauti had pretty much just said she regretted having him. “Once you’re done with college you should come back home, Loki.” Farbauti said, resting her head on her hands.

Loki didn’t say a word. He didn’t say that he was considered a freak in Farbauti’s neighborhood, a bastard child. He didn’t say that everyone avoided him like a plague, like he was the monster everybody told their children about at night. He didn’t say that Hailstrum terrified him, tall and strong and a million times more powerful than him. He didn’t say that Hailstrum reminded him of Laufey in almost every way possible. He just sat there in silence until Farbauti finally got the message. She sighed.

“Are you still taking your medications, Loki?” Farbauti asked, looking around shiftily and leaning closer to Loki, as if it was all a game to her.

Loki stiffened, shifting slightly in his seat. “No…” He muttered, still studying the edge of the table with a keen interest.

“Why not?” Farbauti’s eyes hardened as she straightened up in her chair. “They’ll fix your problem, Loki. They’ll make you better. Why are you resisting that?”

Loki looked up sharply, staring at Farbauti intensely. “This isn’t just a problem you can fix, _Mother_.” He said through gritted teeth. “I stopped taking them because they dulled my senses and made me drowsy. They didn’t stop the flashbacks, they didn’t stop the panic attacks, they just made me a zombie. If they could really ‘fix’ my problem, they would have just erased my memories entirely!”

Farbauti looked taken aback. “Loki!” She said after recomposing herself. “Don’t be selfish! You know those meds would fix you! They’ll make you all better, and then you can come live with me and Hailstrum again!”

“ _Selfish?_ ” Loki growled, slamming his hands onto the table. “ _I’m_ the selfish one? I was a sex slave to my father for sixteen years, abandoned and alone, while you went and ran off with a man you only knew for two weeks and ‘Oh no, a fake pregnancy!’ How terrible! Because obviously that’s worse than being raped almost daily for your entire childhood, _Farbauti!_ ”

“Loki!” Farbauti stood up, looking down at Loki. “Don’t speak to your mother that way!”

“ _You aren’t my mother._ ” Loki sneered, before standing up and walking out the door.

 

Loki had been wandering around for at least an hour. The chill air stung his face, making his eyes water and his nose run, and he had no idea where he was but he didn’t care. He just needed to get away. Loki was numb all over, not just his exterior but inside too. Seeing Farbauti again had shocked Loki almost as bad as breaking down in front of Thor.

When Laufey had been arrested the police tracked down Farbauti and her boyfriend, Hailstrum. Loki had lived with them for two years, just to finish high school, but it had always been awkward. Farbauti was just too selfish and immature to be a good parent, and Hailstrum obviously hated Loki for interrupting their romance. The neighborhood kids avoided him, and Loki pushed away anybody else who approached him. Also, Hailstrum was too intimidating at the time for an emotionally scarred Loki, often sending Loki into panic attacks just from his presence.

Loki had gone to a therapist for the first year, but he hated it. He hated other people nosing into his business. If he wanted everybody to know about his personal life, he would have fucking made it happen already. They had also prescribed Loki several medications ranging from anxiety to depression. But the meds didn’t do anything but dull his senses, turning him into a walking dead. They didn’t erase the memories, they didn’t erase the pain. It was all just an excuse for money, is what Loki told himself. Everything was.

So the minute Loki turned eighteen he just got up and left. Farbauti didn’t even know he was planning to go to university, she just woke up to find a note on the table saying that he was ‘leaving, because it was the best thing to do’. Honestly they probably didn’t even care. Hailstrum was just grateful he could go back to fucking his girlfriend almost every night with no interruptions, and Farbauti was more than happy to oblige.

Loki stopped walking, taking a deep breath as he felt anger crawling beneath his skin. When he finally felt like he couldn’t contain it anymore, Loki let out of a yell and turned, punching the trunk of a nearby tree. From the road, he heard the screech of a car and the slamming of the door. “-the _fuck_ , Loki?” Thor said, coming up from behind Loki and grabbing his wrist.

Loki almost jumped out of his skin. “Th-Thor? What are you doing here?” He spluttered, watching Thor as he examined the cuts on Loki’s knuckles.

“That’s gonna bruise badly.” Thor sighed, running a hand through his hair. He stared at Loki levelly, crossing his arms. “What were you thinking?” He asked. Loki was still in shock, opening and closing his mouth in an effort to form some kind of answer.

“Nevermind.” Thor said. “We’d better take care of your hand before it gets too bad. My car’s over there, get in and I’ll drive you home.” Loki slid into the passenger seat, resting his head against the window. The one day he decided to leave the house, he ran into the two people he dreaded to see the most. See what that taught him about leaving the house. Shortly after Loki, Thor sunk into the driver’s seat, turning on the ignition. Loki didn’t realize how cold he actually was until the heat washed over him. They drove in an unbroken silence, Loki staring out the window as Thor kept his eyes glued to the road.

“I didn’t tell anyone, you know.” Thor said, and Loki glanced at him, confused.

“Huh?"

“I didn’t tell anyone about Thursday night.” Thor repeated, finally turning away from the road to look Loki in the eye. “I thought you’d want to know.”

“Oh.” Loki stiffened. “Thank you, I guess.” There was another silence. “My apartment is that way, take a left and keep going straight.” Thor made a noise of acknowledgment, and that was the last of the conversation for the car ride.

“Where do you keep your first aid?” Thor asked once they were in Loki’s apartment.

“Down that hallway, in the bathroom cabinet.” Loki replied, pointing in the general direction as he hung up his coat. Thor returned with antiseptic in one hand, bandages in the other. They didn’t speak they sat on the floor of Loki’s apartment, Thor gently cleaning Loki’s hand and wrapping it up.

“Why are you doing this?” Loki asked, his eyes turning steely. “You don’t know me, you don’t understand anything, yet you’re being kind to me and taking care of me, and just _why?!_ ”

Thor was quiet for a moment. “That’s exactly it.” He said. “I want you to be able to trust me, but I don’t understand anything and I can’t understand until I know what is hurting you. You can’t just keep hiding yourself away, Loki. If you want help, I need to know what is doing this to you.” Thor suddenly looked as vulnerable as Loki felt.

There was a pregnant pause as Thor stared at Loki expectantly. Loki thought. He thought about Farbauti and how she would never ever understand him, because their differences were too numerous. He thought about how all of the kids in his old neighborhood avoided him because they heard a rumor that he was psycho, mentally sick. He thought about the years of rape and abuse he had to withstand, causing him to build shields around himself, but at the same time breaking him down piece by piece. He thought of the many people he had pushed away, the life of solitude and isolation he forced upon himself. He was tired of it. He was tired of it all.

“Okay.” Loki finally said. “Okay.”

Thor sighed with relief. “Thank you, Loki.” He leaned over, wrapping his arms around Loki. Loki fell into the embrace, unsure of what to do. Nobody had ever cared for him this deeply before. So he let loose and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any typos or mistakes I might have made in this chapter. I was doing revisions at 11:30 PM, so it can be said that I'm a little more than just tired. If there's any super noticeable mistakes, please shoot me a comment. Thanks again for all of you guys's enthusiasm and support! It's really cheering me on to write this story. Don't worry, Farbauti will probably make another appearance in the story. But probably closer to the end when Loki is clearing things up with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki didn’t tell Thor everything right off the bat. He actually thought about it for quite a while. He didn’t want to scare Thor away, but at the same time he didn’t want to throw a pity party for himself either. In the end, Loki just settled on telling Thor, “It’s hard for me to talk about it but... as a child my father abused me. He was arrested when I was sixteen, but I still get flashbacks and panic attacks if something triggers me.”

“Loki…” Thor whispered, reaching out toward him.

“Stop.” Loki said, dodging Thor’s hand. “I don’t want your pity. I just want someone to listen when I’m ready.” He frowned, inspecting Thor critically. “I’m entrusting you with a lot right now. I need you to promise that you won’t tell anyone until I’m ready.”

“Of course not. I won’t tell a soul!” Thor said quickly. “That’s what friends are for, right?” He grinned.

Loki’s heart thudded in his chest. He’d never been called a friend before.

 

They still remained apart during school. Thor still dated Sif and hung out with his asshole friends, and Loki still ate lunch alone every day. They continued on doing things exactly the same as they used to, except Loki noticed subtle changes in the way Thor acted around him. His smiles were warmer, and his eyes would brighten when they caught Loki’s in the hallway. But at the same time, he was too careful not to pry if Loki was in a bad mood, and he avoided any physical contact with Loki if possible.

“I’m not glass.” Loki said on Wednesday afternoon, while they were working on their biology project. “I’m not weak. You don’t have to treat me like I’m going to break at any moment.”

Thor looked bewildered. “Of course not, Loki.” He responded in a hurry. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know.” Loki said sarcastically as he wrapped duct tape around the plastic tubing of their Biology project. “Maybe it’s the way you always seem to be walking on thin ice around me. You’re acting like you’re afraid of me, like I’m a piece of fucking glass, and if I’m for certain, that’s not how friends act around each other.”

Thor looked intently at Loki, his eyes almost going steely for a moment before he composed himself. Sighing, Thor crossed his arms. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just… I’ve never had a friend who has gone through the things you’ve gone through. I don’t know what to do, or how to avoid triggering your flashbacks.”

“Just be yourself.” Loki replied. “I don’t want to be friends with someone who’s being a phony. Just because you know my past now doesn’t mean I’m any different than when you first met me.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Thor apologized again. Loki stared at him a moment longer before deciding he sounded sincere enough. “Hey, why not this Saturday we hang out?” Thor said brightly.

“With your friends?” Loki internally grimaced.

“No. But from the look on your face, I’m sure you wish we were.” Thor winked at Loki.

“W-What?” Loki protested, flustered. “No, I was just thinking about… about the project? Yeah, the project! We’ll have to get that finished before anything.” He said, crossing his arms and holding his chin up a little higher.

Thor laughed good-heartedly at Loki’s attempt to conceal his disdain. “They’re not so bad, you know. My friends, I mean.” He replied. “They may seem a little dumb at first, but they’re really good people at heart. But I was thinking it would just be us on Saturday, if that’s alright with you?”

“Of course.” Loki smiled before he could catch himself. “But we’ll have to finish the project first. I’m not getting a bad grade because of you.” He scolded lightly. "C'mon Thor, let's get this thing over with."

They worked efficiently for the rest of the afternoon until the entire model was strung and taped together. "I think we're done!" Thor cheered as he taped the last of the plastic tubing to the body. "Now we just have to test it."

Loki took ten _very_ large steps backwards. "Go for it." He said.

Thor took the pumps in his hands and exhaled slowly. "If this doesn't work, I swear I'll cry." He joked. Loki rolled his eyes. "Ready... set... _go!_ " Thor squeezed the pumps, and Loki tensed, ready to dodge a spray of fake blood and water. There was the rush of liquid, and then... nothing. Thor and Loki looked at their project in shock for a second. Had they really done it? There was no leakage on the floor, and the liquid remained in its plastic tubing.

" _ **YES!**_ " Thor shouted, interrupting the silence. "We did it, Loki! We successfully made a human circulatory system!"

Loki tried to hide a smile, but couldn't help but laugh when Thor proceeded to jump around his apartment like a seven year old.

"We did it!" Thor repeated, beaming from ear to ear. In his excitement, he picked Loki up by the waist and spun him around.

"Whoa, put me down!" Loki yelped, and Thor abruptly realized what he was doing and put Loki down quickly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, Loki. I'm sorry I-" Thor began to apologize profusely when Loki put a hand up.

"No, it's okay. I was just surprised, that's all. I'm fine." Loki laughed. And he realized that for the first time, for as long as he could remember, he was.

 

Thor surprised Loki even more when he came up to him the next day after class. Loki was used to Thor keeping his distance during school, whether it be to maintain his popularity level or because he truly didn't notice Loki after Biology (Loki had developed the skill of camouflaging himself after years of being unimportant), but either way he and Thor didn't interact often during the day.

"Loki!" Thor caught up with him right as he was leaving the campus for lunch. "I have a football game tomorrow at 7 PM. You should come watch me! Sif will be cheerleading, and Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun will be in the game too. It'll be fun!"

Loki felt his skin crawl at the thought of being packed onto the bleachers, squeezed between bodies, the smell of sweat and alcohol all around him. He almost visibly shuddered. "I'll think about it." Loki replied, forcing a smile.

"Great!" Thor grinned. "Oh, and good job on the biology project... again." Thor squeezed Loki's shoulder before turning around, heading back to wherever he came from. Loki almost groaned at the hole he was digging for himself, hanging his head in defeat.

Later that night as Loki lay in bed, he cursed his inability to turn down Thor. Sure, Loki felt he owed Thor a favor for being there for him, but at the same time it was almost guaranteed that going to the football game would trigger one of Loki's panic attacks. What should he do? Loki rolled over, curling into himself. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got with himself. Loki should be old enough to handle his panic attacks and flashbacks. He couldn't let them take over his life. It was decided. Loki would be going to the football game on Friday.

 

Loki trembled as he paced back and forth in his living room. The entire day he had been confident, even confirming with Thor that he'd go to the game. But now that it was 15 minutes before the football game started, Loki was beginning to doubt himself. He could turn back. He could do it. He could pull out his phone and text Thor to tell him he wasn't going (they had traded numbers after Loki had performed that fabulous disappearing act after his panic attack in front of Thor). After all, they were meeting up tomorrow to hang out anyway. He could do it. Loki pulled out his phone. 6:50, it read. Loki put his phone back in his pocket. He couldn't do it. The walk to the stadium took about 15 minutes, and Loki didn't have a car. He'd have to leave now... if he was going. "Fuck it!" Loki growled, grabbed his coat, and ran out the door.

The outside of the stadium was already teeming with people. Loki didn't even want to know how many people were inside it. The roar of the crowd was deafening, and Loki's mouth went dry. Large, noisy crowds were not his forte. He preferred quiet solitude and hidden corners. He paid his fee, and walked into the crowd. The game had already started, and Loki immediately recognized Thor by his large stature and jersey that read "Odinson 28". They were facing off against another school Loki hadn't even heard of. But then again, sports were never Loki's favorite. The buzzer went off, and Thor was running down the field. Loki was hopelessly lost. He wondered why he had come again for the hundredth time.

He saw Sif down on the field with the other cheerleaders, cheering for Thor. He knew that Thor's friends were also on the football team, but he couldn't locate them in the mass of players. There was a touchdown. The crowd around him jumped out of their seats, yelling, and Loki saw Thor being surrounded by his teammates, highfiving him and patting him on the back. His throat constricted. Loki had been deluding himself all this time. He didn't belong here, he never would. Thor was a million worlds away from him, put together and happy and he _belonged_. Loki would never belong anywhere, never fit in with the others. He couldn't breathe and was starting to suffocate, a panic attack just around the corner.

"I need to go." Loki murmured, and began to push his way out of the crowd. Once out of the stadium, Loki broke into a run. He needed to get home. Sweat was beading on his forehead, his breath short as his heart thudded against his chest. Loki made it into his apartment, slamming the door behind him and slumping against it.

 _Worthless, worthless, worthless._ Laufey's voice whispered in his ear. _You will amount to nothing. No one will ever love you._

"Stop." Loki choked out, covering his ears. "Stop, stop, please stop!"

_Go on, cry for help. No one will come. No one will care._

"No. No! You lie!" Loki cried out. "Someone will come!"

_You pushed all of them away. You're dirty, you're worthless. Nobody wants you._

_You don't belong anywhere. You're a disgrace to this planet._

_You might as well just **DIE**._

"That's why you stuck around." Laufey sneered, kneeling down to spit in Loki’s face. "You always thought I'd come to my senses and _love you_. But how can I love you when there's nothing to love?"

Loki opened his mouth to answer, but Laufey snarled, "Shut up!” He reached over, wrapping his hands around Loki's throat. “I might as well just kill you and do us all a favor." His grip tightened. Loki fell into darkness.

 

"-Loki. Loki!" Loki's eyes snapped open and he found himself on the floor of his apartment, Thor standing over him, looking scared and anxious.

"What are you doing here?" Loki said. His voice was rough, like it had been overused.

"You weren't at the football game, so I got worried." Thor replied, kneeling down beside him. Oh right, the football game. "When I got to your apartment, the door was unlocked and you were on the floor. It seemed like you were having a night terror. You were screaming and crying and I couldn't get you to wake up."

Loki felt his stomach curl. He thought he was going to throw up. Thor; perfect, happy, and _whole_. Also the last person Loki wanted to see. “Get out.” He growled.

“Loki, I-”

“I said, _**GET OUT!**_ ” Loki yelled. “Why do you keep doing this? Why are you being so nice? Am I just a joke to you? You never even noticed me before the project. Am I just entertainment to you? Is that why you kept me around?” He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, surprised to feel dampness on his cheeks.

He heard Thor stand and walk toward the door. The door creaked open, and Loki prepared for it to slam shut, but instead Thor spoke. “You’re wrong.” He said softly. “I've always noticed you.” Then the door clicked shut, leaving Loki alone and very, very confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here you have it, a chapter on Friday with only 3 minutes to spare! I always keep my promises. ;) Again, I apologize profusely for the delay! School got in the way, and I barely had time to write at all this week! Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes, I was editing this 5 minutes before going to a concert. Thanks for waiting, and hope you enjoy! :) P.S. Sorry for the excessive time-skips. It was necessary to move along the story without dragging it along.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki didn’t speak to Thor the next day. He had assumed their plans were cancelled though anyway. He didn’t speak Thor the next day either. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Loki tried not to be offended. He should have known Thor would break easily under the pressure. Just another thing he had been deluding himself of. A week passed by. Loki tried to convince himself he was happy to have the peace and quiet back. Yet he felt empty, as if there was a black hole in his chest he couldn't fill, and his heart was heavy with loneliness. One night while Loki was sitting on his couch, feeling as unstable as he had been three years ago, there was a knock on his door. Loki jumped a little, confused. No one ever came to his apartment. Opening the door, Loki found Thor behind it.

"What are you doing here?" Loki said, his voice going cold. "After all this time, _now_ you come to visit me?"

Thor ignored Loki. "I was thinking-" He started, but was cut off by Loki’s bitter laugh.

"So that's what took you so long!" Loki sneered.

“Loki, enough! No more illusions. You know this isn’t the real you.” Thor pleaded.

“How would you know that? You were the one who ignored me for a week and a half.” Loki said.

“I was making arrangements.” Thor replied. “Besides, you seemed like you needed some time to yourself. Can I come in now?”

Loki took a cautious step back. “What are you here for?” He asked, crossing his arms.

Thor exhaled slowly. “I don’t know much about your past, Loki, but I do know that it’s hurting you. I want to help you, I really do, but I can’t until you choose to open up to me a little more. I can’t do this alone.” Loki felt a jolt run through him as he predicted what was coming. “I think you should go to a therapist.” Thor finished.

“No.” Loki said, flatly.

“Why not?” Thor said, crossing his arms. It was more of a statement than a question.

“I hate therapists.” Loki hissed. “They don’t understand what I’ve been through. They can pretend, but they’ll never be able to experience the pain I’ve gone through. I swear to god, Thor, if you make me go to a therapist I will never forgive you.”

“Whoa there.” Thor put his hands up in surrender. “It was only a suggestion. I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself, Loki. How about staying over at my apartment instead? No therapists, just me.”

“I can handle myself well enough, thank you very much.” Loki said indignantly.

“I know you can. It’s just, I worry about you sometimes. Holed up in this tiny apartment all the time, all alone. It must drive you crazy, right? Loneliness can do that to people.” Thor said, his eyes turning sorrowful.

“What are the circumstances?” Loki asked.

“None.” Thor replied. “Just you and me. I told Sif that I would be having company, so she won’t be coming around without notifying me first. We don’t even have to talk to each other. I just want to be sure that you’re safe.”

“Why should I agree?” Loki pried, looking for a reason he could turn Thor down. He wasn’t going to go down easily.

“Well,” Thor said, beginning to count reasons on his fingers, “I have a car, so you can sleep in later because it takes less time to get to the campus. I can cook pretty well, it’s not five star quality but it’ll do. I promise I won’t get in your way, my apartment has two bedrooms so we don’t even have to cross paths. I’ll pay the entire rent, so you can stay for free. All that for just me checking up on you every once and a while. It’s not that bad, right?”

Loki thought for a moment. "All this just to pry into my personal life? You must be desperate, Thor."

"Perhaps so." Thor agreed. "So will you come or not?"

Loki shrugged. "Why not?" He said finally. "The way I see it, there's nothing in it for you. So I might as well take advantage of it while you're still clueless." Thor grinned from ear to ear.

 

Loki woke with a start, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. He was in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, and for a second it felt like the walls were caving in on him. Another one of those wretched dreams again. Once Loki had calmed down, he realized there was a damp spot beneath him. "Shit, shit, shit." Loki cursed under his breath. It was bad enough that he had wet the bed again, but in Thor's guest bed? He thought he would die from embarrassment. Loki slipped out of bed and quickly stripped down the sheets. As he crept down the hallway toward the washing machines, he heard a voice from behind him

"Loki?" Thor said, his voice foggy with sleep. "Are you okay?"

Loki tensed. "Go back to sleep, Thor."

"Do you need help?" Thor pressed.

" _Go back to sleep,Thor._ " Loki repeated through gritted teeth. Thor finally got the message and turned around, trudging back into his room. After Loki had stuffed the sheets into the washing machine, he took a long shower. By the time he had gotten out of the shower and dressed, it was 4:25 AM. Unsure of what to do, Loki spied the balcony that jutted off of Thor’s living room. Something inside of Loki beckoned him to it, and he pulled back the sliding glass door and let the cool, nearly-winter air caress his skin. Loki’s mind finally quieted.

It had been three days since Loki had agreed to Thor’s deal. When he had moved in, the dreams and flashbacks had become startlingly frequent, but Loki credited that to the sudden change of environment. Thor always questioned him, asked him if he was okay, but if Loki was unwilling to open up he let the subject drop. It wasn’t stressful, but at the same time Loki wasn’t used to living with another person. At least, living with someone who acted civilly.

In the mornings, when both of them were lethargic with sleep, Thor would fix a pot of coffee and they’d sit at the counter and eat breakfast. Then they would part ways to get ready for school, and Thor would drive them to their first classes. After school, Loki would walk home while Thor went to football practice. Thor would bring home some kind of take out for dinner, and they would eat while finishing any homework they had gotten. Well, it was mostly Loki helping Thor.

Loki was happy. He was comfortable. But there was still so much more keeping them apart. Thor didn’t know Loki’s entire history. Loki didn’t know if he was ready to tell him.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” Thor’s voice interrupted Loki’s thoughts. Thor was standing beside Loki, leaning against the railing and looking up at the twinkling stars. How long had Loki been out here?

Instead of answering, Loki looked out from the balcony. Below him was the road, sparse with the cars of people going to work in the early morning. Across from him the windows glowed with light as people began to wake up and face the day. The wind gently ruffled his slightly damp hair, stinging his face with cold. It was beautiful, in a chilling, distant way. It reminded Loki of the loneliness and sadness and brokenness he had felt for years.

“C’mon in, Loki. You’ll catch a cold.” Thor reached over and ruffled Loki’s hair before turning around. Loki’s cheeks heated from the affection. His hands tightened around the cold metal railing as he watched Thor walk back into the apartment. His eyes lingered on the empty, Thor-shaped space beside him for a long, long time. And that’s when Loki knew. He was falling in love with Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter after a week-long delay! God, school is such a pain. Lucky for me, Christmas vacation is just around the corner. If I can get around my relatives, there will probably be 2-3 chapters per week. Big thanks to my lovely new beta, stars_in_my_eyes! You make my writing two times better! Hope this chapter isn't too rushed. I know it's a little short, but it just seemed like a good place to cut off. Again, thank you so, so much for reading! You can't imagine how much this means to me! <3 P.S. Expect a longer chapter next time to make up for the shortness of this one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Physical violence, Unintentional self-harm
> 
> You have been warned.

It was an unsettling feeling in Loki’s stomach. It weighed heavy in his heart; caused a fluttering panic in his throat. In all of the books that Loki had read, love was supposed to be a wonderful thing, with a warmth in your chest and a fluttery feeling in your stomach. It didn’t feel good at all.

Loki stood on the balcony for a few more minutes, trying to adjust to his newfound feeling. Finally, as the sun began to peek over the tall apartment buildings, Loki turned and went inside. There he found a steaming mug of coffee waiting for him, along with a piece of toast and scrambled eggs. Thor was sipping from his cup, reading the newspaper. When Loki pulled a chair out to sit down, Thor looked up and smiled at him.

“Hey Loki.” Thor said. “Glad you could join me.”

Loki rolled his eyes and began to eat. Thor reached out toward Loki, but he quickly leaned away from the touch.

“Are you okay?” Thor asked, his eyes showing concern. He pulled away his hand, and Loki gradually relaxed.

“Yeah. I wish you wouldn’t ask me that so much.” Loki frowned. Secretly he was pleased that someone cared enough about him to ask, but it wasn’t like Loki would ever tell Thor the truth.

“You’re just acting strangely, that’s all.” Thor replied, staring at Loki levelly for another moment before focusing on the newspaper again. They finished breakfast in silence, then drove to the campus. After Thor dropped Loki off by the Art Wing, Loki watched Thor drive away and sighed.

When Loki had finally escaped his father, he thought a lot about what he wanted to do in the future. He honestly had no idea for the longest time. His one dream came true; to get away from his father, so what else did he want? Loki didn’t have many hobbies, but he found that he thoroughly enjoyed art.

Loki wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, so art was an easy outlet for him. As they said, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Art was a sacred space for Loki where he always felt in control. His emotions sometimes got the best of him, but at least they could spill onto the canvas instead of into his dreams. As Loki walked into class, the teacher was saying, “Class, today we will be painting a life-changing event.”

Loki almost groaned. Of fucking course. Taking a seat in front of an already prepared easel, Loki closed his eyes and exhaled. Choosing which feeling to express was almost like drawing from a hat. Loki would stir around the messy mixing pot of his emotions and pick the one that was most prominent. And today, Loki knew just the thing.

Almost immediately Loki squirted a dab of black paint onto a palette, then some white. He mixed them together, creating several shades of gray ranging from dark to light. Then he tried to decide which color to use to explain that feeling. _Yellow,_ Loki thought, _and red. Definitely. Maybe blue, the shade of his eyes?_ Loki blushed as his fingers twitched, eager to begin painting.

With another squirt of black paint, Loki painted a single stroke. It was exciting, to see how he could turn such an emotionless, insignificant thing into a beautiful, canvas of colors. It was the way Loki used to motivate himself. He told himself, “If you can change this into something beautiful, you can surely change your life as well.”

Before Loki knew it, he had painted a black silhouette on their knees, one hand outstretched. Taking the grays, he created a swirling mass of dark colors on the left side of the canvas, almost engulfing the body. On the right side of the canvas, Loki brushed on a sky blue background, and a sun yellow figure offering a hand to the black silhouette. After letting the piece dry for a while, Loki took a fine brush and dotted it into red paint, before brushing a tiny crimson heart onto the black figure. Taking a step back, Loki critiqued his painting. It wasn’t his best, but he could really _feel_ it.

“Wow Loki.” His teacher remarked from behind him, causing Loki to jump a little. “This is really a great painting. The contours and brush strokes are still a little rough, but I can really feel the message you’re trying to convey.” Loki almost smiled. For once, he didn’t even mind that someone was pretending to understand him.

 

When Loki walked into his Biology class, his teacher was passing out a graded papers. Picking one of them up, Loki realized he had never seen this paper in his life. Yet there it was, a big fat red A at the top. Thinking maybe it was a mistake, Loki glanced up at the top for a name. Loki Laufeyson, it read. Partner: Thor Odinson. _What the fuck?_ Loki thought.

He got up out of his seat and walked over toward Thor and Sif with the paper in his hand. “Thor,” Loki hissed, “what is this?”

Thor glanced down at the paper in Loki’s hand, and his face took on an emotion that Loki couldn’t discern. “It’s your grade.” Thor said slowly, as if Loki was stupid.

“I know, but for _what_?” Loki’s hand tightened around the paper, crumpling it.

Thor ignored Loki and instead turned to Sif and said, “Sif, a moment please.” She scowled at Loki and crossed her arms before gliding away. Thor watched her go longingly before facing Loki again. “It’s for our project.” Thor said quietly.

“What? How could it…? We haven’t presented it yet!” Loki said, voice rising.

“Oh yeah? What if we did?” Thor’s voice became steely, and it scared Loki. He had never heard Thor sound so dispassionate.

“How could we?” Loki countered. “I don’t recall presenting anything.”

“Exactly.” Thor hissed. “Because you _weren’t_ there. It was one of those crazy spells where you stayed home to avoid me, and don’t even _try_ to tell me you were sick because I _know_ you, Loki. When you don’t know how to handle something you run away from it. That’s why you can’t move past whatever happened to you. Because you refuse to face it.”

Loki stood there, gaping. He didn’t know what to say.

“I’m tired, Loki.” Thor’s voice rose as he threw his hands up into the air. “I try to understand you, but you push me away. I’ve given you space, but you won’t open up to me. You’re absent from class the day of our big project, and I come up with an excuse so you won’t get an F. God, Loki, I can’t be the good guy all the time. I have feelings too.”

Loki bit down on his lip, trying to hold back tears. “I was a fool to think that you actually cared.” He choked out, and Thor’s face crumpled.

“Loki… I- I do care I just-”

“Shut up.” Loki spit out. “I don’t want to hear your excuses.” Crossing the room in nearly five strides, Loki grabbed his stuff and stormed out of the room. As he ran down the hallway, Loki rubbed at his eyes angrily. He was angry at himself for becoming vulnerable. Angry at himself at himself for falling in love so easily. Bursting out of the doors, Loki stood in the cold air for a second. He definitely couldn’t go to Thor’s apartment. There was only one choice left.

Loki’s apartment was dark and cold and dusty. It was also the perfect place to sulk. Loki dropped his binders on the floor and crossed the kitchen into the living room, curling up on his sofa. _Loki,_ a small hand wrapped around his own, and Loki fell deep into his memories.

 

_“Loki, come play with us.” Helblindi said, tugging on an eight year-old Loki’s wrist. Further away was Byleistr, waving to the two of them. Helblindi and Byleistr were twins that lived on Loki’s street, and even though they were a year older than Loki they were the only ones that were nice to him. Loki liked them. They made him feel safe and happy._

_“Yeah!” Loki replied, and together the three of them walked to the neighborhood park. It was one of those rare moments of the day where Laufey was working late and Loki had time to himself. After the trio had played for a while, they rested on a park bench._

_“You should have a sleepover with us tonight!” Byleistr said, his eyes sparkling._

_“Yeah!” Helblindi chimed in._

_“I don’t know…” Loki hesitated. His father would get mad if he made plans without asking._

_“Pleeeaase?” The twins asked in unison._

_“Okay…” Loki sighed in defeat. He tried not to tremble when he thought about what his father would do after he found out. Helblindi and Byleistr took Loki home that night, and they had a grand time watching movies and stuffing themselves full of junk food. But when they went to sleep, Loki slept fitfully, his sleep filled with nightmares. He was awoken by Helblindi yelling._

_“Ew, Loki!”_

_Loki jolted awake in a panic, unsure of where he was for a second._

_“Loki wet the bed!” Byleistr whined, and Loki blushed in embarrassment. Too flustered to say anything, as Byleistr and Helblindi were still yelling in disgust, Loki gathered his things and ran out the door all the way home. When he arrived, his father was waiting for him, anger on his face. Loki was abused terribly that night._

_When Loki went back to school, other kids snickered at him. Sad and confused, Loki tried to ask them what they were laughing at. Was it his bruises? He told them he had fallen down the other day, but all they did was sneer, “Bed-wetter.”_

_Horrified, Loki tried to find Helblindi and Byleistr. When he got close to them, Helblindi snarled, “Don’t touch me, freak!” Afraid and ashamed, Loki hid in the bathrooms and cried. As he was drying his face with a paper towel, a group of boys led by Helblindi and Byleistr walked into the bathrooms._

_“There he is!” One of the boys yelled. “The bed-wetter!”_

_Loki panicked and tried to dodge them to run away, but they were bigger, stronger and faster. They easily caught up to him and pinned him down. “Please, don’t!” Loki begged._

_“Clumsy little freak.” Byleistr growled, and landed a punch on Loki’s face. Loki cried out, hot tears streaming down his face and tried to pull away, but Byleistr’s grip on his arm was like a vice._ Betrayed, _Loki thought,_ by my only friends. I can’t trust anyone anymore.

 

Loki gasped, suddenly back in the present moment. Tears were streaming down his face, and his arms stung from self-inflicted scratches. He was still immersed in darkness, both in dreams and reality. There was no escape.

His door burst open. “Loki!” Thor gasped, light flooding into the apartment from behind him. He looked like an angel, Loki thought absentmindedly. Too bad he didn’t believe in angels, let alone God. God wouldn’t have let this happen to Loki.

“Loki,” Thor repeated, “I knew I would find you here.” He crossed the living room and knelt by Loki, brushing some of Loki’s hair away from his face. “When you weren’t at my apartment, I knew you’d come here.”

“Why are you here?” Loki croaked.

“It’s 1 PM.” Thor said. “I have a couple hours between now and my next class, but when I heard you weren’t in school I panicked.” His eyes scanned Loki’s face, thumb brushing away some of his tears. When Loki shifted away, Thor caught sight of his arms. “Oh Loki…” Thor whispered. “Did you do this?”

Loki avoided Thor’s eyes as Thor rolled Loki’s sleeves up and caught sight of his numerous scars. Loki heard Thor’s exhale and tensed, waiting for him to call Loki a freak. But it never came. “Let’s get this taken care of.” Thor sighed, and disappeared for a while. He came back with the antiseptic and bandages, sitting down so he was eye-level with Loki’s arm.

“Yet I find myself doing this again?” Thor joked, but when Loki didn’t respond he sobered. “I’m sorry for yelling at you Loki. I didn’t mean to, I was just having a bad day. Sif was getting mad at me for being ‘busy’ all of the time.”

“That’s the problem.” Loki choked out. “You didn’t even yell. You’re just so nice, and I’m so broken. I don’t know what to do.”

Thor was silent for a moment as he wrapped Loki’s arm with a bandage. “We’re both trying, Loki. We’re trying too hard. I forgot that I was human and had a breaking point. I pushed myself too far, and even pushed you into situations you weren’t comfortable with. I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry.” Loki chewed on his lip. “I was being a dick. I just- I don’t know how to express my emotions. You’re not the one at fault. I’m just good at making everything harder than it needs to be.”

Thor finished wrapping his arm in silence, and stood up. “I… I guess I’ll be leaving now?” He said a little unsurely. “I kind of barged in here without an invitation and it seemed like you wanted privacy.” Thor laughed awkwardly. “I was just so frantic about finding you…” He turned and started toward the door.

Loki watched him go, testing the words in his mouth for a while. “W-Wait!” He blurted out, and his heart sped up when Thor turned around, staring at him with expectant eyes. “It’s… it’s okay if you stay.” Loki said shyly. “For a little while.”

Thor smiled. “As you wish.”

Loki huffed. “I’m not a princess, nor am I named Buttercup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for the two week delay! My family came to visit and I had virtually no free time. I also wanted a little break before diving right into the next chapter. I was also having a little writer's block. But now that that's over, I'm back on track and ready to write again! Thanks for waiting, and reading this far. I appreciate your patience! :)
> 
> Thanks to stars_in_my_eyes for editing for me, and supplying me with plot ideas.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied rape, suicidal thoughts and self-shaming
> 
> You have been warned.

“I should probably tell you the entire story.” Loki said one day at breakfast. He avoided Thor’s gaze, tightening his grip on his napkin. Ever since their last fight, Loki has bounced back and forth between his and Thor’s apartments. Loki mainly stayed at his, but would go to Thor’s if he felt emotionally unstable or needy.

Thor stared at Loki curiously. “What made you change your mind?”

Loki exhaled, squeezing his eyes closed. “I might have decided that… maybe I… I could try a therapist?” Loki opened his eyes and crossed his arms. “Now don’t get ahead of yourself. I just wanted to tell you first if I’m going to tell anyone. Why are you smiling?”

“I’m just happy.” Thor said, looking as dumb and stupid as ever (in Loki’s opinion). “That you’re willing to tell me what happened, and that you’re willing to try out a therapist. I don’t think you’ll find it’s as bad as you think it will be.”

Loki crumped the napkin in his fist. “Uh… My…” He opened his hand and began ripping bits off of the napkin. He swallowed. “Well you know that my father abused me, right?” It was a lot easier to tell Thor before Loki fell in love with him. There wasn’t so much of a risk on the table. Loki looked down at shredded napkin in his hands. “It wasn’t just physical…”

“Loki, I… I’m sorry.” Thor said. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how you felt, or how you feel now.”

“And I just...” Loki blurted, “He would always come home with alcohol on his breath and I could never predict what mood he would be in and I was just so scared because I had no control over my life-” He stopped to take a breath. “And sometimes while he was... he was raping me I realized how much I hated him. I hated him so much that I wanted to kill him and I started to dream that his blood would stain my hands and it scared me… so, so much because I knew that when I was old enough, I really would do it.” Loki gasped, coming back to awareness when he felt hot tears drip down his face. “I’m sorry.” He sniffed. “I’m sorry for being weak.”

“I don’t mind if you cry, or if you’re weak. It’s who you are.” Thor smiled gently and reached over, offering Loki a tissue.

“I couldn’t ever cry around him.” Loki said, wiping his face. “I couldn’t ever show weakness, or he would get mad.”

“You’re one of the strongest people I know, Loki.” Thor said firmly. “To go through everything that happened, and still be standing on your own two feet. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.” He exhaled slowly. “Thank you for telling me this. I’m so happy that you decided to trust me with this information. In return, I’ll tell you one of my secrets.”

Leaning over the table, Thor said, “Sometimes I hate my father too.”

“Eh?” Loki was stunned. “But isn’t your life perfect? You have a great mother and father, who both love you, and a girlfriend too. _Everyone_ loves you.”

Thor laughed, but it sounded bitter. “I’ve always wondered… is that how everybody sees me? I’m not perfect, Loki. I’m far from perfect. I’ve only learned to do what I must to survive.” Thor sighed. “My father is a successful lawyer in a business called Asgardian Law Firm. He’s always expected me to grow up and follow his footsteps, but I don’t want to be a lawyer. My father has allowed me to pursue college football because he believes everybody should have fun before they get to work, but his expectations weigh heavily on me. He expects me to grow up and become a lawyer in his business, then marry Sif and have two kids. But what if I don’t want that?! What if I want-” He cut himself off abruptly. “Aha, I’m sorry Loki. This isn’t about me. I got carried away.” Thor smiled sincerely. “I’ll make a therapist appointment for you shortly. Just tell me when you’re around.”

Loki thought about it for a moment. “Wednesday next week? And maybe… if it’s okay… you could come in with me?” He asked shyly.

“Of course.” Thor replied cheerfully. Loki was still uneasy about the whole therapist idea, but he left Thor’s feeling upbeat. It was nice knowing that Thor wasn’t as perfect as everybody thought he was. It was a good reminder that Thor was human, just like the rest of them.

 

“Are you ready?” Thor asked when Loki got into the car next Wednesday.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Loki breathed, keeping his gaze straight forward.

“Don’t worry about it, okay? They won’t push you to say anything you don’t want to, and I’ll be there as backup.” Thor said.

Loki fidgeted. He hated being so dependant on Thor, but he couldn’t help it. Loki was feeling so emotionally unstable at the moment he needed to lean on someone or he’d crumble to pieces. To be honest, it was terrifying.

“We’re here.” Thor said, interrupting Loki’s thoughts.

“Already?” Loki said, but Thor just shrugged and began to walk towards the building. As he opened the front door, Loki braced himself for cold, barren walls and a menacing atmosphere seeping with death and despair just like the hospital but instead he found soft carpet underfoot and warm yellow lights. He almost felt… at home.

“Are we in the right place?” Loki asked. He wouldn’t even be surprised if Thor had stopped at the wrong building by accident. Thor laughed good-heartedly.

“I’m not that stupid, Loki.” Thor grinned. “You may think so but actually I-” He was interrupted by the sound of the office door opening.

“Loki Laufeyson?” A pleasant, mellow voice called. A tall, elegant woman stepped into the waiting room, her eyes a striking pale green and her honey blond hair tucked into a braid. Her features were defined yet yielding at the same time. The woman emitted a comforting atmosphere that reminded Loki of Thor, for some reason.

“That’s me.” Loki said stiffly.

The woman smiled, the kind gesture setting Loki a little more at ease. “My name is Frigga Fjorgynnmaer, and I will be your therapist. You can just call me Frigga though. Come in and take a seat on the couch.” Frigga stepped away from the door, allowing Loki to step into the room.

Loki paused in the doorway, taking in the therapist’s office. There was a large couch in the center of the room, and a chair opposite of it. Behind the chair was a bookcase, filled with a various assortment of books, and behind the couch were shelves filled with toys, board games, paper, and markers.

“I see people of all ages.” Frigga explained, noticing Loki was staring at the toys. “Many people find it’s easier to talk when they have something to fidget with, or expressing their feelings through art.” Something inside Loki perked up when he heard the word ‘art’.

“Wait, I don’t have to talk? I can just draw?” Loki asked.

“You may do whatever you wish.” Frigga said, taking a seat in the chair. Thor had already plopped down onto the couch. Feeling awkward that he was the only one standing, Loki hurried over and sat down next to Thor.

“Well, Loki. How are you?” Frigga asked, and smiled again. There was something about Frigga that just put Loki at ease, like he didn’t have to put up his barriers while he was around her.

“I’m…” Loki hesitated. Normally when people asked him that question he would snap, ‘I’m fine!’ but he was really trying hard to be honest for once. “I’m okay, I guess.”

“Can you elaborate?” Frigga jotted something down onto a clipboard.

“I… I don’t feel very stable right now. Emotionally, I mean.” Loki continued, struggling to find his words. “I’ve always stood on my own, so depending on someone makes me feel like I’ve lost control of my life.” Loki glanced at Thor, unsure of how he’d react, but Thor just grinned and nodded at Loki, encouraging him to continue. “I’m afraid because depending on someone means that… I’m giving them control over my life. And the last time I did that, it didn’t end so well. Be-Because my father…” Loki swallowed and looked at Thor again. “Sexually and physically abused me until I was sixteen.”

There was a silence as Loki’s words hung in the air. “I’m very sorry to hear that, Loki.” Frigga said softly. “Would you like to tell me what happened next?”

“I went to live with my mother and her boyfriend.” Loki confessed, or at least it felt like he was confessing. Something inside Loki burst, and he couldn’t stop the words spilling from his mouth. “I hated it. I hated _them_. My mother was- and still is- a selfish and immature woman who doesn’t think about anybody but herself. She took me to the hospital where I was prescribed depression and anxiety medication, because she thought it would ‘fix’ my problem. I hated her boyfriend even more though. He just wanted me out of the house so he could keep fucking my mother, and he was large, strong, and demanding. He reminded me of my father in every single way, and it was like I couldn’t ever escape the emotional trauma. Just seeing him triggered a flashback or a panic attack. But they didn’t understand, they would just keep trying to shovel pills down my throat.

“When I was eighteen, I got the hell out of there and came here for college. I didn’t even leave a note, just packed up and ran. I had no idea what I was doing. I rented an apartment and chucked those pills away, but the flashbacks just kept coming. Every single little thing would trigger me. I even went as far as isolating myself from everybody to stop them, but they just kept coming in my dreams. It got so bad that I- I started to wet the bed at night. And it made me so mad that I wanted to kill myself at one point, but I knew that I couldn’t because then _he_ would win and I could never let that happen.” When Loki finished he found that he was shaking, feelings swirling around inside of him. Anger sadness pain anger sadness pain _loneliness_ angerangerangeranger-

“Loki, what can I do to calm you down?” Frigga’s voice pierced through the jumble of thoughts, a shard of light in the darkness.

“Can- can I draw?” Loki asked, voice trembling.

“Of course.” Frigga replied.

Loki rose off of the couch in almost a dream-like trance, pulling paper and markers off of the shelf. It wasn’t paint or a canvas, but it would do. He just needed these emotions _out_. Pulling a black marker from the box, Loki immediately began drawing. Darkness. Darknessdarknessdarkness ** _darkness_**. And red, a lot of red. Why could he never have peace? Why did Laufey always have to win?

 _I am defenseless._ Loki thought. _Worthless. Worthlessworthlessworthless why would Thor ever love me? Why would anybody love me? Laufey was right, I am nothing but a piece of garbage, a broken vase. But I can’t- I can’t let him win I just have to fight I can rise I have-_

“-Loki!” Thor’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“Shh… it’s okay. You are safe here. Just breathe, alright?” Frigga murmured from beside him, her voice calm despite the chaos in Loki’s mind. Loki followed those words until he could breathe and think clearly again. Loki then found himself crouched on the floor, Frigga and Thor around him.

Loki took a deep breath. “Thank you.” He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! A little treat for y'all tonight. I got the chapter finished a day early, yay! Wow, midterms are really leeching my time. :P By the way, Frigga's last name comes from "Fjorygynn's maiden" in Norse mythology. I just thought I'd stick with the 'Odinson' and 'Borson' theme so I had to do a little research, but I honestly think Frigga's last name is really badass. I'd also like to thank you guys for waiting patiently for me to get my shit together, and still coming back to enjoy the story! Thanks to my wonderful beta, stars_in_my_eyes. Maybe I can get a chapter up a little earlier next week? Cross your fingers!


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